I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
this is like her 8th guy since december, is she wasn't frumpy people would call her a whore
oh yeah I'm gonna practice throwing up so I can be ready for Friday night. and Saturday. Beth is back, diaper and all.
Woke up to 'distilleries' on the history channel. Proceded to vomit all over the floor. Back on the wagon today.
Going to pass out with da shoes on. hugging wallstreet journal from tuesday. please check me for liveliness in the morning.
I guess you don't realize how much twelve bags of chips are, until they're all over your floor.
got blackout drunk at the conference and wandered around Minneapolis with a homeless person until one of the other interns found me...I think I'm ready for adulthood.
Whiskey??
It will be at least another 6 weeks before I say yes again. I'm bruised. I stole sex cards and a really nice pocket knife. I acquired a vial of my own blood. Talk about a yard sale...
I was trying to pee in the bushes and the person who lived in the house where the bushes were planted started knocking on the window to get me to stop peeing in their bushes
So it's official the pockets of my work apron exist solely for the purpose of secretly flipping off asshole customers and not losing my job.
That's really the only reason I'm dating you, the prospect that I might get bacon
By 9 pm this evening I'll have accomplished smashing with two different guys in two different time zones in the same day.
Stay hydrated
How did I end up in some random dudes car?
Some guy came up to you and asked if you knew how to drive stick.
I'm totes in the mood to go home and like blindly inhale dangerous amounts of porn
Randomize
