why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
i wonder what thom yorke's orgasms sound like
I had a new years resolution not to be a whore anymore, but I think I'm gonna wait till 2011
Oscar is the man. He keeps getting pictures of hot nude women with messages in spanish saying "i hope you like it" sent to his phone
whose oscar?
the baller who i guess decided to give out a fake number at the bar last weekend. luckily that fake number was mine. i have enough porn to last me until next month.
if he only knew that in between each sext i was puking.
You said "It's ok guys, I know I'm not really a turtle" and then tried walking on the lake.
we were sitting in the bathtub when she came in with her grandpas cane adn beat us until lindsay passed out
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
professor came back from spring break missing a tooth
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
And the horses in Central Park have blankets. And Rafiki just told me "it is time" in the back of our cab.
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
They were taking shots out of the caps of perfume bottles. This is too much for me.
I'm not big on drama but you need to put your pants on and leave.
Randomize
