When he brought me into his room he showed me his James Bond calendar and matching sheets, and then told me that his goal in life is to be James Bond….epic fail. Mission Impossible. I was scared to take off his boxers to find out that they were also James Bond themed.
RUN LIKE YOUR JAMES BOND
Sex on a trampoline was so worth getting a mosquito bite on my penis
The world would be so much better with thought bubbles.
She had to get her inhaler in the middle of fucking...but she kept it in.
Sitting here wishing there were men in my life.
me too. too bad ive decided to fill that hole with cookie dough, closing the door to future men one fat cell at a time.
Just found out the guy that gave me herpes died. now everytime I get a flare up, it'll be like he's coming back to say hello
No I am not eating basil off your cock
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
They conduct scientific research memoirs about what sort of shit happened last night after I ate those cookies.
You can't tell me you've honestly NEVER considered smoking a Froot Loop
i need to stop celebrating other people's birthdays like they are m own.. my body can't handle a birthday every week
No, the moral of my Oxford interview was "Never snort caffeine pills".
He handcuffed himself to the keg... D is hooking up with him anyway.
I just walked past a guy banging a chick in the back of his car.
Blacking out is all I've done this year and we're only 3 days in. Checkmate bitch.
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