i just saw a foot job.
porn is incredible...
Just ran to the store on my way to the office to buy Diet Coke...the guy in front of me let me cut because it was 4 more minutes until 8am, so he wouldn't be able to purchase his vodka. I love Wisconsin
I just had a cup of orange juice and thought it didnt taste right. It didnt have vodka in it.
birth control should be required to get into college
It was a two-sided wall so part of my body ended up in someone elses condo.
Im in mikes bed telling my vagina I'm sorry in advance.
What's the address?
Too drunk. Just google it.
IT'S YOUR HOUSE
I just ASL-ed someone for the first time since 2002.
There is booty call etiquette, and he just isn't following it. I'm not making you breakfast, gtfo.
Would giving a bouquet of flowers to my mother be a good way to say, "sorry you walked in on my boyfriend eating me out"?
Two chicks walked outta his room and all he did was beat his chest like LeBron and yell, "And 1!"
I don't need to know how horny your mother is, hun.
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize
