My new storm is the chrons
The only reason I needed a new one is bc I threw up on my other one(248): And since Verizon doesn't have a throw up test, I was eligible for a new one
Non-Jews are for practice
I just put a tampon in while driving. Don't tell me I don't got skills.
I woke up while squatting on top of my bed peeing on my comforter and my laptop
oh, it's pms. I almost cried yesterday bc my roommates didn't seem perky enough when I got home.
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
The fact that its 530pm and I'm saying to myself I should sober up since I'm at a family establishment should say enough
My mouth already tastes like senor cuervo took a piss in it and it's barely 1 am
Who knows? Maybe we can sing afternoon delight into each other's genitals.
If anyone wants to ring in the new year with gluttony and yoga pants, let me know. As soon as it becomes a socially acceptable hour to drink margaritas, I'm gonna go down on a chimichanga.
After we had breakup sex it took him longer to say goodbye to my boobs than it did to me...
Happy birthday and sorry I punched your friend in the face
Hey, it's Valentine's Day weekend and were single and off our periods. Let's live like queens.
They offered me pot brownies in 7 minutes flat. Imagine my horror when I had to be like, are those gluten free?
Got caught peeing in public. Sucks. It was a police station. Sucks worse.
Randomize
