I just spent an unhealthy amount of money overnighting a full adult sized Trix Rabbit Halloween costume
i kept telling her phones are not food, and she countinued to put it in her mouth..
Two man bar crawl was hectic. Just found leaves in my pocket.
Just woke up. My philosophy paper is a play, and my paper for musical theater is about physics. That's some dank shit you sold me
So not only did team sweden fail to particpate in any drinking game but i also found puke in my viking helmet this morning.
Not to make her into that kind of girl, but she did have a condom mural
I remember trying to cut the power to a house I thought was "too bright to understand the meaning of christmas". Pretty sure I blacked out down the street.
Cry into your wine glass and then drink the tears, it's like the fountain of youth
Because it's not worth it. And there is no nice way of saying "sorry, you're not good enough at sex for me to drive 45 mins"
So, I actually said the words "but face tattoos are sexy"
I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.
I touched a dick in church today
The Easter sex puns were too abundant
Woman doing my Brazilian right now says to tell you she says hi...what has our life come to?
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
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