Only you could turn Mozart into a stripper song.
Her vagina is like Vegas. high traffic and full of glitter.
Is it bad to go up to the security desk and ask them for the name of the guy I signed in last night? I have absolutley no clue
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
I was preparing to do my walk of shame shirtless, but then I found my sweater, wallet and keys neatly piled under a tree in the park.
Well I will be attending the wedding with a flask of wine, potentially with a straw, and POM POMS for cheering purposes. Needless to say I will be well lubricated by your arrival..
We're gonna have horrible, horrible babies.
My pupils are so HUGE you can see into my soul from 2 miles away
I need a present that says please like me even though i'm banging your grandson
What was the point of renting a $600 trolley if no one even remembers going to the first bar?
I'm currently deliberating if I'm going to be too drunk on New Years to handle wearing false eyelashes.
He has fairy lights round his bed.. And played Jamie cullum when we had sex... Hes batting for the other team right?
I've realized that drinking at your apartment alone on a Tuesday probably isn't a good thing.
Turns out dignity is priceless and Plan B costs $41.09
he invited me over. we listened to jazz, smoked weed, then cerebrally fucked each other over a three hour game of chess
Randomize
