So tired and we had a cokehead in the salon today making us bleach her whole head because she thought it would let her pass her drug test for custody of her kid
Oh.My.God.
my math teacher staples burger king applications to failed tests
When he took off his pants i accidently shouted "that is one small wiener," and thats when he left
you'd think someone with a dick that small would take what he could get
i was like a deer caught in headlights with its coke-dick hanging out
just hooked up with an air force officer in a hotel room paid for by the military. i feel like i should go around thanking taxpayers for the assist.
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
Ikeep having to ask jim if I'm actually talking. I canmt feel my body...this is what Christmas is all about
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
Should I have spent my entire pay check on Crown Royal and LSD? No. Do I regret it? Also, no.
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
Can you masturbate to someone liking your instagram picture?
She tied me to her bed using her honor chords. Thank god for graduation!
I woke up to find I still had sequins under my tits. I'd say Sunday was a success.
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
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