Busta Rhymes just yelled at me! He cut a song off and I was clapping and he looked right at me and said "don't fucking clap." I was that white guy.
Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
He told me he wouldn't do any drunk sluts but me. I guess that's sort of a compliment...?
you know it's bad when you need sunglasses to open the refrigerator
I no longer question where these bruises come from... between the strip pole in the living room, the slipnslide in the hallway and our constant level of intoxication I will always be bruised...
Hey I have your shoes. Do you remember shouting "Police brutality!" when the bouncer was kicking you out last night?
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
Quick question, when did I develop feelings, and how can I make them go away?
That's two questions.
The stripper was waving you to the stage, not up on the stage. That's why you got choked out.
Until they make a bed that bathes you in your sleep, I will not be satisfied.
Holy shit, just saw a girl in the library smoking a bong disguised as a calculator
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
Just calling to thank you for not dying. I love you.
Got any extra dick over there? I’m running low
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