My mom just told me that after i turned eight i stopped growing mentally and emotionally
I probably shouldn't have followed up that rainbow sherbet with beef jerky. This is a whole new level of fat, even for me.
I just banged that chick from the bar by speaking french. all i had to do was recite my grocery list
Also, last night I had a dream that I was in a victoria's secret fashion show and they made me wear a t-shirt over my lingerie. Spring dieting begins now.
he tried to convince me he was a seal.. sound effects included. and then asked me to 'be his lady seal'.
My bullwhip has saved my life tonight and gotten me laid. I'm gonna be Indiana Jones every Halloween!
Well, my breasts are swollen and I cried about the Iditarod. But I say PMS until proven pregnant.
I just had the worst experience of my life, my grandma found my condoms.
You got a write up and a first aid award all in the same night. The don was impressed!
I can't masturbate without laughing really hard at some point and it's entirely your fault.
She's gonna be mad if she finds out you put weed in her house warming cookies
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
Dude, running 15 min late.
Let's play a game, you pay for all the drinks I can finish before you get here. Go.
fucked one of the teachers, librarian job's going great
If that pentatonix bullshit is playing when I get home we're breaking up
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