Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
walking through the french quarter. a homeless guy just offered me a pigeon. gotta love new orleans.
I was hidding Easter eggs in CHURCH this morning when one of the older men came up to me and said "I always knew you'd be a bunny just not the Easter kind" ... Our congregation obviously has high hopes for their pastor's daighter
Never again. I promise. My old gay body can't handle that much adrenaline twice.
We ran out of ice cubes so I used ice cream. Everyone thought that was the plan all along. I just went with it.
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
She kept telling people I wrecked her brain. That high.
Just saw a guy I fucked in a clown suit in the bar. It's not Halloween. I have got to start making better life decisions.
I feel like telling him your vigina was older than him was not a good pick up line.
All I want to do is shower, but there is a keg in there.
I want to sit on top of her nipple mountains and reenact the Ricola commercial.
We could never date. He doesn't drink and he won't bring me tacos after sex. He's on that healthy life bullshit.
You told your boyfriend he needed to fuck you in the tree because it would make you guys one with nature.
Did he?
Last night you broke a mirror, and then rolled around in the glass shards. Miraculously, there's not a scratch on you...
it’s my vagina i can do what i want to
Randomize
