a smallpox vaccine scar is like a lower back tattoo.
I like bacon cheeseburgers and the pussycat dolls
Does that mean you want me to loosen up your buttons at carls jr?
So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
am i the only one who has tried sucking their own cock????
hows the new call of duty?
I only had sex with the game case so far, but that part was awesome.
Last night I dipped into my beer fund to pay for groceries. SINCE WHEN ARE MY PRIORITIES SO WHACK???
I just need to actually convince myself that drunkenly having sex won't help me forget the last time I drunkenly had sex, it only makes the situation worse.
Wow. A quad shot of peppermint schnapps. I feel like I just deep throated a candy cane. Best 21st ever.
im at work. we just had a random 14-year-old amish girl come in and gift us with cinnamon rolls as thanks for letting her use the bathroom. i dont even know.
It would be awesome if I knew whose teeth these were in my pocket
Sorry for yelling at you, I'm just really emotional about missing comicon.
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
Like why am I even still facebook friends with a guy I let finger me at a concert?
ps. i have two very important words to sum up my night
which are?
library sex.
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
Randomize
