The chick I went home with last night had a happy trail
Just tried to fight the dj at cowboys because he would'nt play freebird. Pick me up now.
Bad idea. College students cannot afford both alcohol and a cat. Unless said cat is irish, and can feed itself with fifths of whisky.
Is there a word for someone who only has sex with NFL prospects?
COME GET ME FR THE HOSPIGAL'!!!!!
I woke up and the only 2 bowls I own were shattered on my floor. Pretty sure my hand and tailbone are broken and I have no idea what the fuck happened
Hey its me your friend who impressed the pharmacist by already knowing the generic version of plan b by name
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
I may be a feminist, but I am not above using my body to distract you if it means I might beat you in a game of scrabble.
She had a baby Jesus butt plug
Just because you are home alone for the weekend doesn't mean you can act like a nudist.
I accept your opinion but respectfully disagree. Also, I'm sitting in your chair.
It's not even 8:30a, wine glass is broken, there's sugar everywhere, and your mom just asked me what MILF means.
I don't know why, but whenever I shave my balls I feel more aerodynamic.
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
Randomize
