dude...i just woke up in ****'s bed!
doesn't he have a girlfriend???
yeah...who do you think woke us up...
The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
I'm gonna have bed sores at the end of this hangover.
My mom can no longer prohibit me from smoking pot..I sell to her boyfriend.
I just remember making out with this kid's friend, washing blood off my hands and hearing the RA's were looking for me.
I probably looked like a mental patient. I had my IV in one hand and cup of pee in the other, swaying around with a dazed grin on my face. I love vicodin.
Mistakes were made. Hot mistakes that I want to make again. But tapping your employee is def a mistake. Esp in front of two other employees.
and Katie got too high with the tow truck driver and wants to go home
May the power of my ass compel you!!
This chick just walked by and pet my beard. Don't know, never talked to her. She just walked by and pet my beard.
Marry her
I almost got an A in organic chem but started hallucinating during the final so I got a C
DO NOT PREHEAT THE OVEN THIS MORNING! WE STARTED USING IT AS A WINE STASH AROUND MIDNIGHT.
I cant promise hot guys but i can promise alcohol which is close enough.
Randomize
