Just got back from doctors appt. He lied. It wasn't a pimple on his dick.
No. You are not the Kate in this relationship. I will do what I want.
bitch so ugly she owes me an erection
I think I pulled my groin stumbling back from the bar. That or the hippo I woke up next to.
How would I get in touch with Carly Rae Jepsen if I wanted to thank her for the loss of my virginity?
HOW THE FUCK CAN YOU NOT REMEMBER WHIPPING IT OUT AND PUTTING ON THE BAR?
By the way, you're banned for life.
Watching Rudolph while stoned is practically a religious experience.
Strip club or gay bar tonight?
I am an emotionally compromised bisexual.
can you please not set my house on fire for once???
i feel like a cleansing fire is the only way to purify the house
Unless it involves a lot of whiskey, an ACDC concert, and a guy named Juan from the Philippines, then I'm not interested.
He took a shot of vodka and AND ATE ME OUT AS A CHASER. YESSS. I AM IN LOVE.
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
You’d probably be happy to know that I think I’ve mastered the skill of knowing “my type” and then steering clear
FINALLY. I THOUGHT THIS DAY WOULD NEVER COME!
Its nights like last night that make me want to high five my liver.
Randomize
