I JUST WOKE UP ON A TRAIN
I SHUDNT B ON A TRAIN
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
and thats when we got a drunken mammogram in the middle of cvs pharmacy
She gave him a lap dance on the glass table. You can guess how that ended
Turns out I was the only one drinking. I broke one guy's bed and kicked another in the face. Then when an RA came by I shouted to let him in he's gonna find the vodka anyway. Great night
My adult sexuality and some of the best memories of my childhood collided like a Pee Wee Herman wet dream.
Elaborate
Strip Mario-Kart
Oh shit. The hangover. It has taken 20 mins and 5 attempts to tie my shoelaces
I just threw in a dip with a guy that superglued his fake tooth back in today. My life is complete.
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
This is the second girl that said she wanted to fuck me while wearing a clown nose. Fuck online dating
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
I know but we're going to blackout city so it'll probably be warm there
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
Help. Why am I so naked?
Randomize
