I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
She was so happy she found her sunglasses, that she blew me. Im now randomly hiding things of hers in hopes she'll find them and I'll get a repeat performance.
I just remember telling jokes while vomitting
You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.
reason #14 for loving my boobs...just got out of a 40mph over the limit speeding ticket thru a work zone. i dont think the cop knew i even had a face
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
Dude if our hands were ladels we could work at a soup kitchen
That would be so convenient
You were screaming across the bar "BUYING US SHOTS ISN'T GOING TO MAKE US STRAIGHT, YA KNOW!!!!!!!!"
It's just like riding a bike. Only it's a dude's face.
You are right. The scrape marks on her ass are from her breaking the doggy door by crawling through it.
And I kind of want to stare at skinny jonah hill like a weird zoo exhibit lol.
Robert just walked in drunk, grabbed my Jameson from me, told me to let him do his thing, and spilled it all over the coffee table. Then he told me to grab a funnel because he was going home.
I bought left over pizza from a guy on Craigslist.
LEAVE ME AND MY NIPPLES ALONE
Pretty sure I love my nipple piercing more than I'll love my children someday
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