He told me he had herpes after I put his hotdog in my mouth
There is a keg full of gin. THERE SHOULD NEVER EVER BE A KEG FULL OF GIN.
Either you made a spaghetti vodka smoothie last night, or you puked in the blender.
woke up with the dennys waiters MYSPACE link on the back of my receipt...yep one of those nights
I don't like finding out that my fuck buddy is a good person.
Apparently, we were running around the apartment, singing into pickles, the routinely slapped our passed out friends with them.
He just climbed off me and used my hairspray to fix his hair. If he hadn't just gone down on me I would think he's gay.
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
You screamed 'no, YOU put some pants on' at a cop. I pretended not to know you.
It's 3:30pm, I've been out of bed for an hour and spent most of that barfing. We're switching to beer next debate.
Starting St Patrick's Weekend, non stop flights on Pacific Whorelines to the scenic HotMessXpress. Get the cougars ready, it's gonna get weird.
I'm buying groceries with adderoll. I hope I'm never this broke again.
the 5 D's of Dodgeball literally just saved my life
It's seriously like a finger. But it's a cock. I don't know what to do. I feel like I fuck him to be polite.
I'm debating a nap but also debating breaking into the liquor cabinet
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