The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
Dude. Muppets take manhattan on netflix instant. Pass my midterm or relive my childhood? Tough decision.
No, when he said that he wished he had my eyebrows, THATS when I knew he was gay.
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
stumbled upon a picture of an owl staring me in the face. i almost offered him a bong hit.
We were showing our tits to everyone because it's breast cancer awareness month and we care deeply
I thought we were doing it cause it's Tuesday
Like it was the Mama Mia of shit shows. That bad.
Itd be nice if there was a level of interest in me somewhere in between the indifference and obsession that I've only been attracting
Your father is wrapped in a table cloth singing, "America Fuck Yeah!" You are missing the time of your life.
I didn't pop out of a cake in a speedo with diagrams
In case that's what u were picturing
I lost my bar virginty and made out with a dwarf. It was a good night
Do one night stands count towards my number?
Yes. A penis is a penis
Even bad ones?
YES.
2:34, make a wish! I wish I wasn't on acid at Planned Parenthood. What's yours?
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
Did you happen to find the other half of my bra last night?
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