Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen
I woke up to him climbing naked through my bedroom window with a bottle of jd in his hand. Of course I had sex with him.
I HAVE FLAVORED BLOW. THIS SHOULD NOT EXISIT.
Your French couch surfers have just started playing flip cup with old crow. Basically you need to come back here
I can't say "baby i'm to high to talk to you" in Starbucks.
Mother fucker, I knew it was bad when you tried making out with my car window
Some kid just stopped wherever he was walking, turned to me, and gave me a slow clap. So I'm pretty sure my walk of shame beats yours.
I may or may not already be in your hot tub when you get home. I have a key to your house and no shame.
I'm gonna eat you out. But for science
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
I wanna riverboat gamble on your vaginal waters. Just sayin
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
i just sneezed the second i jizzed and it got in my eye. words can't describe how much i hate life right now.
If I shall die, I wish to bequeath to you my personal library, my sigma tau delta presidency and all it's apparel, and a puppy.
Randomize
