On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
paul mccartney is starting to look like angela lansbury
how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
is it sad that i can masturbate and get my big O just from thinking about a Tiffany engagement ring?
Well whatever you do have, it sure worked on me.
A Penis?
I think my tv knows when im high and tells taco bell
I think u should go home and go to bed. If u get arrested in the Ohio river u go to jail in Kentucky. Nobody wants to go to jail in KY.
I'm still tasting pancake mix. I think this may actually be a serious medical problem...
She was kinda cute. So long as you don't mind neck tattoos and bad life choices.
You told me if you could get your shoes on, you deserved a coke and rum. We never made it to the party.
All I know is that your reaction after this date with him was "I think I did cocaine" so I'm sold on this boy
I'm drinking your booze since you ate my pop-tarts. I'm telling you this because I still don't think it's a fair trade.
I don't want to be Eskimo brothers with your dad
I'm sober now, I ate a whole cantaloupe.
My uterus just tried to get me to buy a tub of cookie dough
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