This is much more drunk than i was intending for a wednesday
Please stop bringing your one night stands to Sunday brunch.
How many times can I tell him I wasnt expecting sex before he realizes I'm just too lazy to shave all the time?
i feel like you're just hanging onto the edge of functioning wino.
she had that "i just got used" look on her face when i kicked her out at 5am
Come get her ASAP. She's "people bowling," which is just her rolling into random groups of people. People look pissed.
You went home with a man in a loincloth
I just watched him leave in half a loincloth. Don't you just love Halloween???
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
I can't turn off my feet"
"Where are you? Where are my keys? What is this guys name again? Why am I wearing two pairs of your pants?"
For breaking and entering. I think neighbor dan cared more about me puking in his backseat than the surprise of me waking up there
my birth father cheated on his wife with my birth mother. it's literally in my blood to be a home wrecker.
I don't know. Seeing the vagina stretched out beyond normal proportions is like watching your favorite superhero die.
I've never had to say don't judge me for chip clips in the shower before
tell him if he brings over dinner you might let him see your left boob...or right, whichever you prefer. But under no circumstances do you let him see both...unless he brings a good desert...like coffee ice cream or something
Randomize
