I'll start drinking again when I know where I am
He like poked it twice with the tip of his tongue then left it alone. I'm sad.
My mom just found some of our lube mixed in with my box of pots and pans. I hate moving home.
I don't care if I just threw up. You kiss me now. This is marriage.
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
We can Fuck in the shower to save time
And this is why I like you. You're so damn innovative.
You said that when your ex gave you a blowjob her mouth was like velvet
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
Woke up pants less in the vacant apartment across the hall. It was unlocked because they were showing it to someone. When they walked in I woke up and said "this is a great place to live" and walked out
Her parents are celebrating she found someone so well endowed.
Will there be champagne when they see the pay check?
They filled a kiddie pool with lube and glitter.
We had sex with a sexual harassment video playing in the background before his gf got there. I've hit a new low
All I know is I woke up cuddling a jar of peanut butter....
Yes, ur purse got stole with our condo keys in it but my slut ass saved us and we had a place to stay, AND I got to choke a motherfucker while riding him. Thats taking one for the team.
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
Randomize
