he stopped mid-fuck to ask me how my day was....
i may or may not have just grinded on your dog thinking it was my boyfriend
I should have kept drinking, a coma can't be as bad as this hangover
Fuck positive energy. I choose drinking instead,
Lots of alcohol. 3rd graders fuck me now.
Auto correct or actual 3rd graders?
I look like one classy bitch running in heels through my backyard while carrying a small dog and a large bottle of booze. How am I still single?
Seems like you've kicked summer 2012 off well.
We don't really communicate like that.
Communicate like what?
Communicate like people who want to see each other when their genitals are inside their pants.
According to you, you were with your "Eskimo bro for life" last night.
If our text convos ever saw the light of day lives would be in tatters
You tried to get the Waffle House waitress to put a candle in your cheesy hash browns.
Well I met my booty call's parents by accident, so that happened.
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
Fuck off. Since when do you love him??
Since he licked my arm to retrieve the macaroni and cheese he dropped. You have to appreciate that
Can't even lie. Mad respect
If I take a couple more shots I won't even know he's a Mormon that drives a motorcycle
Yes I went home with her last night. I woke up this morning and ran into my boss on the way to the bathroom. Monday is going to suck at work.
Randomize
