i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
there was already a condom in her . . and it was bigger than me
I just had to give myself a pep talk to stop lying on my floor. Literally too hung over to function
No sexy Asian girl. No comfy bed. I'm just gonna lie here in the hall next to the garbage can until someone comes home.
3 things. 1) we need alcohol 2) we need alcohol 3) we need tortilla chips. Let's make a plan. Bro shakes and salsa.
I hope you realize that its not me making that decision, but rather the combination of my genitals and sexual orientation
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
I feel a whole lot better than i did this morning at 3 when one of my roommates discovered me slightly aware of my surroundings and naked in the bath tub with the shower on
maby next time we don't finish the whole box wine just because it tastes like shit
How long is enough time to schedule homosexual exploration... Like an hour?
I have to have sex on a bidet. I'm not sure what kind, but it's reason #4 for an Italian vacation!
We work out, have really intense sex, and then eat cereal marketed for children. We have a system, okay?
Last night someone asked you what your favorite color was and you said "bagel."
I think getting right with the Lord should involve more than me and a bottle of tequila.
Whoever jacked off in MY pong room on the bean bag with your fucking googles pick up your fucking cum towel you gross disgusting fucks. I said NO MORE jacking off in that room. I swear I will empty it out if this is going to continue.
My roommate just yelled at me for coughing. I'd like to yell at her for doing lines off our counter last night.
Randomize
