Come get meeee. I'm stranded in the middle of no where with Paul (?). I think u puked on his friend.
I actually had no interest in him until he started talking about his 4 arrests. That made him go from a 5 1/2 to a 8, easily.
someone should tell her that easter eggs aren't meant to be dildos.
Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
i made potato chips in weed oil. what did you do today?
I had to carry you down because your legs weren't moving anymore but you were carrying the weights you stole from that guys room... and that's where the bruises came from.
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
So doing the math I dated almost 2 of me in penises. Like, if I you layed them out lengthwise it would be 2 times my height.
had a dream that i inhaled my pet bird and started choking. Then I tried smoking from a bong and suddenly I smoked myself inside out. this is what happens when I don't smoke weed. my brain can't function!
There was a deer right in front of me when I came. Sex in the forest is awesome
Never thought an ATM max withdrawal could be such a good thing...
FUCK. EVERYONE MAKE MY CONTACT NAME DADDY ISSUES
i woke up with blood and cuts on my face and i don't remember anything after winning four games of beer pong in a row last night. and i'm still drunk.
you are a true champion. bear my children.
he sent me a picture of him holding out his pinky so we could pinky promise. i have to fuck him now
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
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