fuck yea just found my unicorn costume from when i was 8... still fits
can you take me to a tanning bed
sure, why though?
i have to go once so i can blame these herpes on the tanning bed and she won't get suspicious
My dealer, who also happens to be a male stripper, just invited me to watch him perform tonight. Boundaries buddy, boundaries.
Good news: he out-ran the campus police. Bad news: they were chasing him toward the REAL police.
If you would give me the chance we might have the two separate pieces of the greatest fuck puzzle ever.
Apparently blowing a .28 for a cop and then kissing her on the mouth is technically assaulting a police officer. Who knew.
Nuts. Absolutely nuts. she just screamed in my face something about not knowing whats happening and then got tackled by a dude
How does one chug a beer and swing the bottle at someone in a single motion? This guys a beer ninja man
I seriously had to check my phone this morning to make sure I didn't agree to any strange sexual favors.
What is their policy on bow ties and belligerence?
I saw pigeons eating ur dried up puke today. Last night was fucking great
I had a drink called "the white nun." It tasted like Marshmallows, and celibacy.
We're over by the bouncy castles. I'm the one wearing a baby. Bring Twizzlers.
fuck school, let's just become the worst strippers ever
So being hungover in an office full of people with hangovers for 9 hours is quite possibly what hell will be like.
Randomize
