no more stoned jack in the box. this is the third night in a row.
Is it a little weird that I have a ridiculous urge to have sex while the theme song to the Pirates of the Carrbibbean blares in the background?
Your favorite bartender is back from prision
As I was driving her home she congratulated each and every deer we saw for making it through the first day of dear season.
We always say that. And then its 4am and someone is screaming at strippers.
Can you call him, he said something about going to the balcony to pee and now hes texting me saying hes lost
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
I think the worst was the guy who sent me YouTube videos about how age doesn't matter, and then a link for natural breast enhancements. Kill me.
You showed up at my house at 4am with a bloody nose, one shoe and a bucket of chicken... I live no where near a place that sells chicken in a bucket..
Well that would explain the bones in my purse.
I'm glad you threw up in my bed because now we talk.
Theres just something about today that says lets get drunk, dont you think?
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
Pandora played an ad for a free trial for an abortion pill if you’ve had unprotected sex in the last 2-3 days and then Lucky came on... I literally am dying laughing
My EX’s roommate heard about the breakup and offered to help me bang it out. I think she hates her even more than I do.
Randomize
