Cool, I just put that together. I didn't know if using a tie-died sub machinegun was too crazy
Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
better question... why wasnt i wearing a cape the previous 20 years of my life???
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
the water pistols in the freezer are full of voddka.
I woke up in solitary confinement, wheb they moved me the guy that sold me the pill of Molly at the concert was in the police waiting room, we nodded to each other.
Just watched my roommate stuff a sandwich in his pocket because we're out of paper plates.
And by "schedule" I meant crumbled up liquor store receipt, that I wrote shit on.
Remember last time I drank with my mom? I asked if I got my dick sucking abilities from her.
Get the cougar, get the cougar, get the cougar. Act like an injured baby deer. She will either eat you alive or nurse you back to health either way its still sex.
For dinner, I'm having saltines, canned whipped cream, and beer. Are we sure I'm responsible enough for home ownership?
There are condoms rolled onto each bunny ear of the ears I was wearing last night
I just want to get drunk and not have to worry about you leaving me at the bar.
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
Randomize
