I almost hooked up with this girl last night. she had a tattoo of a cardinal next to her cooter. said it reminded her of her grandpa
I have a dream, to one day wake up next to a girl, walk to the washroom and kick her kids toys out of the way. That day has come, yes we can.
Whoever decided putting Tom Seizmore and Heidi Fleiss together in rehab should win some kind of award.
i think it was just a coincidence but she literally vomited the second she saw my penis.
there's a sledge hammer in the bottom of the swimming pool... so whatever happened last night was probably awesome
I feel like I need to get rid of the black eyeliner, glitter, and tequila breath before I to that world poverty conference..
So my quick shower turned into a "lay in the shower and let the hot water reign over you because you are too hungover to wash your hair" shower. I'll be there closer to 1:30!
We need to make boob twerking a thing. I feel like that's why vine was invented
New vibrator arrived today.
How was it?
Who are these wee mortals we call men?
I fell asleep while eating jimmy johns last night and then woke up at 5am and continued to eat it
It's only ok to pee out the window in the afternoon when you're drunk.
He found out about your side hoe and still helped you try to find a lizard that got in the house
First. I had the strength. Now. I am the death.
Do you really want to know anything about the inner machinations of a furry's mind
Dude it's unhealthy how much I love vagina in my face
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