I'm laying in your front yard are you home
If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
a mothers knocking is a guaranteed boner softener
Did you know Kal Penn works at the white house? That's almost white castle.
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
you were so drunk when the pizza guy got there you told him that you didn't have any money and would trade him the pizza for 3 Porno movies and he totally did it. I may never have to pay for pizza again
he was writing an apology letter to his liver in shakespearean english... That much fun...
It took us hanging out like four times to kiss. Id like to fuck you before I'm 30
i've never seen someone face fit so perfectly in a toilet bowl
In less than 24 hrs I went from conversing with Nobel Laureate, to hangover vomiting in front of a drive thru cashier
I pulled up iMessage on my computer and I'm pretty sure two people in my class saw that dick pic you sent. Sorry!
I just stole a bunch of balloons from a birthday party and am giving one to each person at the bar.
One day, I might be old and married wishing I could bang everyone... and that'll be a problem. So I feel in my heart it's something I need to do.
I seriously just rolled a joint on my high school diploma. I feel like I've come so far.
My penis is lonely
So is my ring finger
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