Your brother just successfully got half the bar mostly naked
Just spent five minutes taking pictures of my hands for some random guy.
Thanks for reminding me why I talk about you behind your back. Get laid.
Just woke up. First thing I see: Little brother eating last night's jello shots thinking they're reg jello.
It's almost like sex with her has gotten boring... like it's still good, but the creativity is lacking... it's times like these that i wish she still wanted me to gag her
OMG. if college stays like this, theres no way i wont be pregnant by first semester
Then he complimented me on how excellent I was at breathing through my nose
Drunk life lesson just learned the hard way: do not try to play hump the great dane. He may take you up on it.
The best part about daylight savings time this weekend is we get an extra hour to be fucked up.
I didn't have cash to pay cover at the bar, so I traded the bouncer a Krispy Kreme doughnut i had in my purse
Now all I want to do is stay up, drink wine, and look at dragons.
He dated a girl who could do the damn splits on his dick like how do you compete with that
I’m a women at a strip club dressed as post Malone
The coke machine at work is laughing at me. Literally. I just heard laughter from the coke machine
Ahhh the shame of taking out my recycling
What use have I for dignity? It just get's in the way of the really fun stuff.
Randomize
