I've been congratulating people on facebook about their forthcoming pregnancies. I can't wait to see how this plays out
You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
College students should never be allowed to have snow days. Never.
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
It's been so long since i rode in a trunk. I'm riding in a trunk btw
God I feel like the rain man of hangovers.
He's high as balls tripping balls and doing a reenactment of the scene where Buzz jumps off the balcony and can't fly to his soundtrack of Toy Story.
If you're asking how many times you took off your clothes and played with the tiki torches.....the answer is 3.
And if I could both stabilize myself *and* pick things up with my penis... Well, I wouldn't be on the fire dept...
I have so many plans for this weekend and sobriety is not invited.
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
Checking out a dudes' nachos instead of the dude #foreveralone
2015 is the year I FINALLY ALMOST had enough dick to satisfy me.
I'm on my way to bail our sister out of jail with our mother's credit card. How old are we??
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
Randomize
