when you close your eyes do you see, that mystical creature will be me.
who is this?
She is totes cute on her twitter. Which totally sounds like a euphemism for coot.
Do you think I can haggle my way to discounted weed on 4.21?
Lets just fuck. We'll decide if it was makeup or breakup sex after.
i turned my shower on this morning and passionfruit pulp came out. how did you even do that?
I brought some guy back to have cheese whiz with me. Then sent him home
Was he satisfied?
No, and very vocal about it.
The fool I made of myself at the Ugly Christmas Sweater party last night was surpassed this morning when I walk of shamed 6 miles at 7am with one mysterious wet leg and no pants on. I think my mom saw me and waved.
Eating an ice cream sandwich while your little bro gets me weed. May I adopt him?
Hope I didn't wake u up but I woke up and there is a shirt, boxers, belt and jeans on my balcony, along with a naked guy who claimed to scale the building
I just want a teacup pet pig so I can take him to parties with me and never have to walk home alone again.
When you put the phrases "just out of shower" and "did you get the picture" that close together, a picture of hamburger helper is not exactly what I expected to pop up.
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
I smell like heartbreak.
Tequila and sloppy rebound sex?
How did you know?
She was talking about how a garden gnome was hitting on her the whole night. We thought she was just that high, but turned out the gnome was that guy in the weird hat.
Randomize
