I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
you need to know that there is a kid here wearing an i mosh for Jesus shirt
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
Referring to yourself in third person during sex is apparently an instant turn off
This doesn't mean I'm going to attempt to find happiness with smooshy dick
so she gave me back a bag of clothing, had some boxers in it...they werent mine.... well that sums up 5 years of my life
I was driving around a golf cart with a keg in the back before I got caught by the cops. First slow speed chase ever
I might volunteer to give breath samples on the 17th where I would be required to get drunk and then give samples! THE POLICE WOULD PAY ME AND PROVIDE THE ALCOHOL!
Seriously. Are we going out tonight? If we're not, I'm going to put on sweatpants and do drugs.
I knew it was Christmas when someone handed me a stocking filled with airplane bottles. Ps just woke up 3 days later
I'm sitting here with a band aid on my labia, this is a first
I need my sock, sombrero, maracas, and I just heard I had a light saber, if thats the case...i want that back too
So I'm never gonna get to see you again?
Hopefully.
it's your last night here, let's make it one we may or may not remember.
My mother just set me up with the son of the man I fucked last weekend. I could crawl under a rock and die OR I could remember the rules of genetics and hope that JR takes after daddy. Wish me luck...
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