So I thought I was doing pretty good and then I sneezed and prematurely ejaculated...
there are 10 yearolds here who keep calling me on the elbow rule!
Wait are they playing beer pong to?
I'm really sorry we tried to have sex on top of you last night.
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
She said her hobbies include bangin guys on one night stands and then sending them facebook relationship requests the next morning just to freak em out
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
Well obviously when I get drunk my intelligence level surpasses yours and that's why you can't understand me.
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
I feel like she is getting all kinds of bacterial exposure that may otherwise have been avoided had she been wearing pants
I ate icecream cake off your tits for my birthday, if that's not love I don't know what is.
I tried to prevent a bar fight. By convincing a guy whacked out on Molly to slap the ass of everyone who was arguing and shout "WOO" each time. I'm proud, surprised, and intrigued that it calmed everyone down so quickly...
After we got done he told me to hold his penis because it helps him fall asleep
You owe me beer. On another note, I made out with the ups guy at work today ....
when I finally convinced you to get off the floor you looked at me wild-eyed and said "the carpet was a VAST EXPANSE OF SEA"
You spent twenty minutes waxing poetic about her ass and her thighs
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