I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
i woke up this morning next to my toilet covered in an attempt to make blanket of toilet paper
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
Remember the time we were in the hospital and I wanted to steel the arm restraints and use them as sex toys?? Oh college memories....
Masturbating on the clock at work is my specialty.
Btw: some husbands are not impressed by me trying to snap photos of their wives camel toe.
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
You were naked too, so it cancels out. We're straight.
He's so urbane and sleek; so aesthetically chiseled, having endless features to offer me whenever I desire.
Are you fucking a guy or a condo building?
what better way to celebrate the birth of jesus christ than to get embarrassingly intoxicated and make poor decisions!?
Then while I was crying on his shoulder, he got a boner. Soo. I kinda just hopped on.
I just don't understand why your parents aren't supporting your dreams of being a medieval weapon smith.
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
I'm so drunk I forgot what to do to go pee.
I didn’t spend $100 for a wax to sit here and listen to you FT your brother to complain about how bad the Jets are.
Randomize
