god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
After going down on me he either said "there, it's over" or "there's an odor"... I couldn't hear him and was too embarrassed to ask him to repeat himself. I just got dressed, grabbed my bag, and left. So I don't think there's gunna be a second date. =(
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
No one showed up yet so I smoked 4:20 on chatroulette with a naked chick..
That fucking fat Asian kid that NOBODY invited is stuck in the dryer again
just letting you know that jen either: wasn't feeling well and ate grass to make herself throw up or threw up because she's stupid and ate grass
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
She told me she was eating frosting, then I got the weirdest boner ever
Do I lose at life if I cry in a grocery store while buying a pregnancy test?
My hungover walk of shame was interrupted by a stranger on a balcony throwing me a beer to shotgun... at 10 a.m....
You ever just SEE a guy and know he's good at choking someone out?
It's 3 am.
I HAVE 5 FELTING NEEDLES AND THEYRE GOING DIRECTLY INTO YOUR EYES IF YOU POST THAT SHIT
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.
You wrapped yourself in tin-foil and told us you were Iron Man. I have pictures.
i just got hit by a door and im the one that said im sorry, yeah im drunk.
Randomize
