i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
but it happened after you broke up with me and before we made up.
She looks like an uncircumcised penis in a hat.
passed a homeless guy with a sign that read "420 vetran" we gave him a bowl of bud
In reality u ask do u have beer at your house but what your really saying is will there be cock in my mouth
Someone is in my phone as "fireball girl" and keeps texting me. How do I go about finding out who it is?
My period started right as he was entering, which really helped me sell the "I've never done this before" bit.
I know. But whatever I'll just eat cold pizza and play with my cats by candlelight
I think it's gonna be hard to find a guy that won't take my consistent drinking as alcoholism
The pee I just pissed was about 7% better than the one at your house. But both are pretty far up there.
I feel as though my head has drastically changed shape
Can't beat it when the local bar sends you off with a loaf of bread on the way out the door.
Checked my bank account this morning...apparently I went to 7-11 at 4am and spent $22 on taquitos. New all time low for me.
I ate all of them. New all time low for ME.
Guy from the bar last night left his number on my waterbill on the counter, at the bottom he put don't forget I can hook you up at Little Caesars I work their part time.
You sure know how to pick em.
There’s a stripper dressed like a slutty pilgrim. Is that a thing?
Randomize
