Spider just rapelled from her vag rethinking online dating.
I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
for future reference: anal bleach BEFORE boozing
after he fucked me and not his girlfriend, i told him to be a gentleman and close his eyes as i ran to the bathroom naked. so sweet.
your definition of "gentleman" is so absurd.
every single one of us blacked out. we woke up the next morning and it was like the night never happened. IT'S STILL A MYSTERY
I will never get the visual of you crying while chewing christmas lights out of my head
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
right before he passed out he said "take care of your tender spirit"
I just had to stop two people giving each other hand jobs in the pool. That was not something I was taught in lifeguard training
Thanks for gettin' me home, killa. Have no IDEA how I woke up pants-less on the bathroom floor at 4a.m. You're like a big, angry guardian angel.
I flashed some kids doing a church car wash. I feel like I really improved the quality of their lives.
You should imdb "mourning wood" to see what I'm doing with my $80,000 English degree today
All I've succeeded in doing since I saw you is drool on my shoulder
Riddle me this: How does one check in at the Marriott, but wake up at the W?
Randomize
