There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
Hi, this is ****, we hooked up a few weeks ago. I was wondering, do you have any STDs?
are any of them hardcore sluts...just absolute worthless human beings? if not the paper wins
They live so far away from me that not fucking them both would have been financially irresponsible
oh and then you called a time out with your penis
she was talking at me constantly for like 20mins. i kept praying for a brain hernia but it kept not happening...
Puked up what appears to be battery acid next to the treadmill. Everyone noticed.
My meds have diminished my sex drive, this must be what regular women feel like
you came out with your cock in between the legs of a balloon animal. Maybe she'll think you have a sense of humor.
What kind of balloon animal was it?
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
Pretty sure I recall hugging our waiter from the bar last night. That also means we are NEVER going there again
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
He tried to break dance on the island in the kitchen and ended up knocking over everyone's alcohol onto the floor then yelled "GUCCI" before vomiting
I just kept thinking.. Holy shit. We're fucking in my front yard.
Let's say we can see the evolution of our "relation" by his name in my phone. Pizza slice emoticone. Pizza guy. Jordan. Jo. Jackhammer Pizza Guy. Jockhammer pizza guy.
Randomize
