cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
im marching my happy ass in there and im not leaving until he cheats on his girlfriend!
Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
Just watched a porn with the dvd commentary on i think i need to re-evaluate my life
Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
This is no lauging matter. Huge cock equals great sex. Marriage to huge cock equals great life.
I just fucked my ex's ex's ex. Love quadrilateral complete
Vaginas creep me out. I'm disgusted by the look of them. I wonder if this is what having an ugly baby is like: you have to take care of it and love it but it just hurts you on the inside to look at it.
I made her orgasm until she cried. Four years of only having sex with dudes and I've still got it.
I need a straight guy to pretend to be my boyfriend for 30 minutes so that I can pull off an act of petty vengeance. Interested?
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
Stories. There's stories.
MEGHAN YOU'VE BEEN THERE FOR 20 MINUTES
Randomize
