i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
I hope you shit your pants in a socially devastating situation.
Never eat 3 McGriddles and drink a carton of milk. It's like you're successfully killing self but you're alive.
Dude, I just scraped frozen vomit from my rooftop
I really wish I could say this is a new low for you
I woke up to a paper award certificate for best blow job and he was gone. You're welcome mystey man.
I would describe it as pure and unadulterated shock, mixed with horror and a touch of nausea.
I feel uncockblockable...banged her in the bathroom with my iv still in
The dry cleaners wouldn't even take our clothes. That's how bad of a night it was.
Every time you blow me I should make a paper crane and we'll make them into a chain and hang them from the ceiling. And then whenever we have people over and they ask what the cranes are for I'll say "reminders" and wink at you.
I'm gonna let my dick speak for itself from now on. Seriously, it's always recruiting for me even after 6 hours of drinking.
We really shouldn't need this many nicknames for the women you've had sex with.
it's always good to have a friend that's a hairdresser, a massage therapist, maybe throw in a lawyer just in case, and always have a friend on food stamps
Like you know your sex life is in a downward spiral when your best friend offers to sext you from Ireland
Also topless tea is a thing that happens in our apartment. Ready yourself.
I'm scrolling through our convo thread and all we talk about is pizza, alcohol & dick with the occasional "I miss you" thrown in.
Randomize
