on the way to work, i saw an empty wine bottle sitting in the middle of an intersection. i thought of you.
i can respect that.
Family bonfire. I just discovered my cousin drank an entire bottle of champagne at the age of 7. I just got showed up.
This is your liver's 7:15 wake up call. Mandatory margarita popsicles after work today. Rule #71: no excuses, play like a champ!
Of course it was necessary for me to call the strip club and ask what their shower policy is. Smelled like she was wiping her ass with my eyebrows during that dollar dance.
She left me naked in my bed and without my phone I had her give me her phone number on the calculator on my laptop. It might be fake.
I was about to attempt a citizen's arrest on my RA
i want to have his babies. i NEED to. shit i wont even ask for child support, he's that goodlooking.
The fact that it neither of us came up with the reason of "it's morally and ethically wrong" speaks volumes about this relationship
you were caressing the jar of pickles then you looked down and whispered to them "I want you inside me"
Aaaand the winner of the worst decision of Sunday night goes to me as I pull up to his house in my lingerie.
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
This guy on the tube is sooooooo high. Eyes are bloodshot and he's licking his headphone cords.
I was really proud of me too last night! Found a discarded hamburger that I have no memory of at the foot of the bed. Instead of a Dude. I'm really growing as a person
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
Well, I have no idea where my underwear is, so yea I would say it was a good weekend.
Randomize
