I would do horrible things to your vagina.
Prove it.
My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
our drinking schedule never changed, we just drank at work.
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?
I shouldn't trust a guy I just met with the pull out method. That's a big responsibility.
They have a booking log online so i can just check that instead of call
Technology: making bailing your sister out easier since 2008
Can you explain the plethora of sunflower seeds in the dryer?
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
I cannot belive our party caught on fire
I think I'm taking after my dog, I just want to hump everything
I think I fell asleep on my pizza last night. Damn, I am sauccccy.
You left your phone here
Wait...
Just let a guy I just met eat me out in a shed at a baby shower. May have sunk to a brand new low
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