Did we have sex?
No you put the condom on then passed out on the bed so I left
he called me a worthless slut and then went 2 the bathroom 2 pee on the floor before leavin. but he was really hot and he left his jacket, should i call him?
Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
My tally is now official: I have been drunk every weekend since 2008. Cheers.
I seriously think I have a tan line on my stomach from getting a boner while in the taning bed.
You leave me no choice. Your vagina is grounded. It can just sit there and think about what it's done.
And you were like "stop making pop tarts, lil bowow" as you grabbed the pop tarts from your ex and consumed them. Teach me your ways.
Yea dude. I'm gonna be the life of the party. THIS BITCH GETS DRUNK BY HERSELF
I'm standing at the bottom of the driveway w a sign that says plow me
I just don't remember. It's like I went to bed on July 3rd.. and woke up on the 5th. Nothing.
I am going to go back to drinking and listneing to Hanson now. Maybe crying. Or perhaps Full House reruns
You carved your initals into all my vitamins and said "now a small part of me will be in you every morning" before you fell asleep with my thong on your head.
I've come to the conclusion that my issue is I'm not fucking a guy with a headboard
I would just like to say that I was the one who said that we should find scissors, when they were cutting your hair with a kitchen knife. I am responsible.
I still feel bad for it, even though I technically only videotaped it and helped will to distract the questioning neighbor
Randomize
