I wish "capable of destroying an innocent girl's life" is something I could put on my resume
It just hit me that i made out with someone's mom last night
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
Apparently, Mom was less-than-happy about us shotgunning beers before we opened presents.
Every minute you wait for the sex that's not gonna happen, we're missing a tone deaf, drunk, tard-asaurus rex half-sing a 90's song to a bunch of other dinotards at karaoke.
You thanked your mom for the gymnastic lessons so you could do a keg stand
I've decided to take one for the team and bang the landlady for lower rent.
I'm waiting for your stupid pizza and this 400 lb drunk man is behind me singing the acapella version of Elevation by U2
Broke my ankle and blacked out on my scooter last night. 'Twas grand.
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
the wedding party just walked in to the song eye of the tiger. i'm getting drunk.
Dude, some chick came over here earlier and thought my lube was hand sanitizer. She poured it all over her hands.
She swallowed the car key because she thought we were really going to make her drive.
Why is the floor coated in a 2 inch blanket of popcorn??
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