my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
I like to use the word "seasoned" over "slutty", you know, like a good curly fry
My history with restaurant waiters is severely limiting our dinner options.
He left an unopened 12 pack of beer by my bed. I guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex..
Just tried to use the bottle of Sprite in my car as mouthwash to get the taste of puke out of my mouth- it's half vodka. Puked again. Thanks man.
he made me feel like a shish kabob. his dick was the skewer.
and you said he wasn't worth calling.
I am just pathetic enough to be sitting on the couch with my cat drinking absinthe and vodka watching moulin rouge. Hello, tuesday night.
He's a little cute, in a dorky, I-know-for-a-fact-his-cock-is-huge kind of way
Too much alcohol and too many lesbians. I can officially say I have regrets now. At least that's something.
I can't help the fact that i'm turned on by white boys that look like Jesus
I'm a drunk white girl and my ancestors were drunk white girls, if we apologized our species would be extinct.
That edible kicked in right as I was upside-down on that rollercoaster. Fucking.mind.blown.
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
It baffles me why I still wear white underwear...
we used a blowdryer last night to warm up our left over pizza..it worked perfectly at first..but then the chili powder got into his eyes..
Randomize
