Until that no good dick sucking whore stays away from my boyfriend I am gonna start blowing all of his friends...
Steve is enlightening me on how and why u put gerbils up your ass
Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
I knew the only reason I bought a smartphone was to play "You're Havin My Baby" on the way to cvs to buy Plan B.
Not sure if it is a new high or new low, but i left a basket on the porch of the sorority I woke up at. It had a description of the Minnie Mouse I woke up next to, and Plan B.
I'm drinking too much free beer
Thats like saying one owns too many kittens. It's not possible.
I've used my house key more to do bumps of coke than I've used it to get in my house.
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
Come to find out, there is a place where binge drinking and aggressive head butting is completely appropriate. In a mosh pit, Travis is just a regular dude!
The blow job award ceremony was a little much. You guys didn't need to call out what happened the night before.
What? How can you say that? You won!
Seriously. I'm like, "Wait, we are actually talking about physics in the middle of sex and its ACTUALLY erotic because you're so fucking intelligent I'm turned on?"
I wish period tracker had a "on this day" also so i can see who i was with this day last year.
I should stop pointing to my vagina when I say "I'm in charge!"
How drunk were you? in an effort to seduce him, you demonstrated your lap dance skillz on his dog.
Randomize
