Besides Rainforest Cafe, there's nowhere i'd rather be intoxicated than here
i just bought ciggarettes using my court citation as id. I've reached an all time low.
i just traded a sweatshirt for margaritas... why did they ever stop using the barter system??!!
As we walked into his room, he said welcome to the hurt locker. I should have left, but I love that movie.
Just registered some guy for opium withdrawals. WTF opium withdrawals, who does opium anymore.
You guys crashed sarahs vespa into a snowbank and its still there. not cool.
This is your liver's 7:15 wake up call. Mandatory margarita popsicles after work today. Rule #71: no excuses, play like a champ!
she tried to deny peeing on the floor last night. she said she wouldn't make it to the bathroom only to pee on the floor
oh but she would
My dad sent me a 10 ft beer bong and my mom sent me ideas for future careers. I'll let you guess who my favorite parent is. Also, come over tonight. and bring beers.
He's over here like "remember those pics you sent me a couple years ago? Those were hot." And I'm like "remember talking about what we were gonna name our kids a couple months ago? That was hot." Therein lies the disconnect
I wish there was a morning after pill for dominoes.
He just snapchatted me a blank snap that said "miss our sex" Vagina game too strong
In the last 3 weeks my drunken adventures have caused me to lose 2 credit cards, one debit card, a bracelet, two purses, and my $500 phone... Maybe i should quit drinking.
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
I NEED HELP. IM TRIPPIN BAWLS IN THE BACK OF MY MOMS CAR.
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