I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
So I think we're almost at the age where we should start calling boys men. Now what age do they start living up to the new title?
Most never. Some around 65.
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
Believe it or not, that's part of the whole 'best friend' thing. It's not just yelling at me for making you leave the club early or taking the couch bc I'm doing sex while you're doing bjs.
Why the hell did you smack that girls beer out of her hand at the end of the night then buy her a double jack and coke for?
Its called bad cop laid cop.
When I said tequila slammers would be the death of me, I didn't intend it to be today. Oh god.
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
No gifts needed, but if you have fireworks or weed that'd be good.
Sorry I sent you a video of a singing reverend last night, I was really high.
if it wasn’t 100% before, it is now that i will most definitely die a quesadilla related death
You know you're high when, "Why can't I steal the duck?!" Becomes a serious question.
For 15 minutes straight, he literally did every accent there was, from Russian to Bostonian. The issue: no one could determine whether he was sober, wasted, or anywhere in between
Also: that bruise on my leg where you left like 3 sets of teeth marks keeps getting run into the corners of desks and shit. And I can't even complain to anyone at work
No dude 10 parakeets in your bedroom is 9 parakeets too many. Bring them back. Today!
Who put the toilet in the living room? This is extremely inconvenient right now.
Randomize
