so i think im going to actually use my calories on food today instead of beer.
Drawing dicks in the frost on people's windshields is a rare joy I allow myself while walking to my 8 AM class.
Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
i hate this class. from the way they're all staring you would think they've never seen a girl in basketball shorts, heels and sunglasses.
why did you let me tell everyone that you can get herpes from the ice luge and then let me do the ice luge?
All i remember was you crying naked on the bathroom floor because you were cold. I got you a blanket and you kept kicking it off and crying because you were still cold.
He looks like he got hit by a weed-eater with chlamydia
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
I'm sooo hungover. I fell asleep on top of a car in a parking lot last night. New one to add to the list.
How the fuck did I get back? Last thing I remember is being on some hot guy's shoulders yelling at girls shaking their asses
We'll talk about it later...
His status said "sad." of course I liked it. I don't even care that I was the only one. Facebook isn't your god damn journal, we don't care about your problems.
I know you're on a date and I should leave you alone but about twenty minutes ago I realized I haven't been spanked in years so if you're still looking for a birthday present, you know, consider it.
I'd like to have a moment of silence for all the dicks she's broken off
My cat took a shit on the guy who passed out in the bathtub
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
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