sitting in an airport in detroit. just saw a commercial for detroit tourism with kid rock as a spokesman. reason # 1458 to never visit this city.
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."
I think he just gave me the 'I used to sleep with your sister' discount
You know what, I don't care that I got too drunk and didn't make it into the boat party. If I had, I probably wouldn't have peed on you later while we soundly slept. I feel you need that in a best friendship.
I think if I set up a series of baby gates up the stairs each one more difficult to undo then the last that should be able to stop your drunk vagina.
Yeah her jello shots are the next closest thing to a lethal injection. That potent.
I'm 50% weirded out and 50% into it
you just missed a great speech in which i almost coined the term "ass-ian" as in "my vaginal and ass-ian regions are no longer safe"
God please dont post that to facebook.
Son of a bitch took my liquid eyeliner
My life has evolved from screwing randos, ok?
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
it was like reliving my childhood drunk at a bar.
On another note, I think my upstair neighbor is having sex. How awkward would it be if I showed up to her door with a bag of Chipotle?
You can't hold me to anything I said last night; I was drunk on orgasms.
Randomize
