anal on a first date. tsk tsk.
he prob just wants to be friends and here i am photoshopping our kids
I'm not upset because i like you. I'm upset because I can't use you for the sex anymore.
Tonight just feels like one of those I'm going to lose a shoe nights.
Dear female. Happy valentines day. If you have not had the pleasure of making love to me, please do not fret, I will get around to it soon enough. If you indeed have made love to me, then bravo, wasn't that grand! Perhaps we should do it again? Regardless, have a good day. This has been a public service announcement. Rock on.
He walked door to door asking if anyone needed to get laid. Surprisingly, that ended his drought
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
I should never be allowed to dance around children at weddings. I think I just insured that a 4 year old will be a future teen mom.
He's not drinking on his 21st. Shooting vodka infused Nerf bullets at him would just make a mess and I don't want to be a creep and spike anything... I don't understand awkward boys
*tries to be fun and flirty* *literally gets peed on*
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
What the fuck dude? Now it's a "who is this?" convo going back and forth. Like... helllloooo you just sent me a picture of your penis! I'm entitled to ask who the fuck it is. I can't verify an identity by a body part.
How do I say “I have great tits” without it sounding awful
I'm about to do something based solely on the fact that a fortune cookie told me to. This may not end well.
Do you know why I slept in the yard last night?
You said you watched the lion king stoned and had to do it for simba.
Pride rock will get you every time.
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