so he shaved. down there. and before he took his pants off i thought it was hot but then all i could think about were the naked mole rats from 7 grade science class.
He should be on Bizare Foods after who he ate last night
my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
you mean i was at the winter classic?
You missed a lot. I drank contact solution thinking it was water, vodka thinking it was water and some unidentified substance that reminded me of pine sol thinking it was water..
That's what you get for fucking someone nicknamed "wiggle worm"
mid blow job she looked up and said "we aren't even facebook friends!"
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
This is a mass text. I will facerape you if you bring me Fierce Melon Gatorade and 4 D batteries.
Come to my pity party. It's being hosted in my basement. The theme is ambiguously sexual cuddling and wine.
No more pre-dentist shots, I just puked on my hygienist
HE’S PUKING UP BLOOD
okay all good I mistook strawberita for blood...
How did the surgery go?
My face feels like a marshmallow.
My hairdresser won’t do keratin treatments because of the toxins, but will put ecstasy up her butt at festivals...
Randomize
