my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
I find it ironic that homeless people are so good in bed
Apparently I think casual Friday means I can show up unshaven in yesterday's clothes and reeking of booze.
he threw up all over himself while laying down.. it was like watching old faithful, but with noodles and vodka
I just don't want to have to pretend at every family function she brings him to that he didn't hit on me first
I just want him to slap me with his dick and call it love
she's unstoppable after she starts doing shots and yelling NANNER
Every minute you wait for the sex that's not gonna happen, we're missing a tone deaf, drunk, tard-asaurus rex half-sing a 90's song to a bunch of other dinotards at karaoke.
He cannot be your sugar daddy. He looks like a literal hot dog.
I just set my acrylic nail on fire while trying to light my blunt
this is the last time i am going to a 7am booty call
I'm on the couch watching HGTV googling giant boob Halloween costumes so life is swell
When you wake up to a porn star on your couch telling you, you better tell your boyfriend about last night.
Speaking of which.. there's underwear in my backseat and Arby's cheese sauce on my door handle. So much for my new Volvo bringing out my classy side.
annnnd thats why you don't tip your waiter by flashing them
Randomize
